coming out
tracy wants to know: I’d like to know more about how you came out, especially to your family.
hoo boy. i talked about this a few times before, but since i’ve deleted all the archives and stuff.....
my parents and i do not talk about matters of the heart. or sex. or feelings. we just don’t.
i started dating krista in december 2002. for valentine’s day 2003 i sent my parents a letter with a cute kitty figurine. (in my defense, i’d bought the figurine before i decided to come out via letter.) i sent them a letter because i knew there was no way i could talk about it on the phone, and i only see them in person once a year or so. and i wanted to avoid any conflict. so i sent them a letter explaining who she was, how we met, blah blah. i mailed it off and waited.
we did weekly sunday phone calls at that time, and the sunday after they got the letter my mom brought it up. there was no crying or anything that i remember, just a lot of questions about WHY, what about that boy i dated once or the boy i loved in high school...was i dating a girl because boys didn’t like me, etc. it was really very awkward. my dad sent me a letter that was supposed to make me feel okay about the whole thing, but actually made me feel really bad.
after that, we didn’t talk about it at all, though i did have to ask my mom how much i needed to hide from her family (it went unspoken that we would hide it from my dad’s familiy because it was clearly obvious that we must). i don’t remember what we decided. the family knows now, but i don’t actually know how they know. it’s weird.
i also had to come out to all of my friends, because before krista i had dated/slept with men. i was stressed about that because some of my friends were not very obviously open to that kind of thing. i emailed some of them, wrote letters to others, and for the friends that i had in town, brought it up in person. i think only one or two people gave me shit about it. honestly, i was very surprised.
i came out to my boss and co-workers at the time because krista came to visit and left a MASSIVE HICKEY on my neck that there was no way at all to hide. that’s one of the worse ways to come out i think.
the thing about being not-hetero in this society is that you “come out” every time you meet someone new. the default sexuality is heterosexual. so every time i meet someone new and they ask if i’m married, i “come out” by saying that i’m not married, but i have a female partner (because the petulant part of me likes to point out how fucking ridiculous it is that i can’t be married). and you always have those few seconds of nervousness waiting for their reaction. will it be okay? will it change their opinion of you? will it put you in physical danger?
i’m in a slightly unique/ridiculous situation because a) i’ve had sex with boys, b) i am currently in a LTR with a girl, c) people really don’t get that because there is rarely a “bisexual” checkbox on forms, and d) i do not identify as bisexual or gay or even straight and people certainly don’t get THAT. the fact is, i don’t identify myself by my sexuality. i don’t think i ever have. it’s not something that defines me. if i were asked to fill in the blank in “i am _______” i would write “fat” not “gay” or “bi” or “white”. that says a lot about my own personal issues, i know, but it just does not occur to me to finish that sentence with my sexuality. i hate that people MUST KNOW WHAT YOU ARE in order to be able to round out their picture of you. i hate that doctors always want to know (i understand the GP and the OBG needing to know, but my podiatrist? really?). i hate that no one ever understands why i am on birth control if i am in a same sex relationship.
here’s the thing: i really, truly, honestly believe that sexuality is a fluid thing. i can change, and often does.
and really, when people ask if you are gay or straight, they usually want to know who you fuck, not who you love. and that bothers me too.
i dunno. the dsm-iv would probably classify me as “confused or distressed about my sexual orientation.” some people would call me homophopic and a self-hating gay. i just really don’t understand what the big deal is about who we chose to fuck and/or love. i don’t. i know that other people place a great deal of significance on it and that is why it “matters” but i really want to know WHY people place significance on it.
i am very annoyed about the whole thing now, so i’m going to finish eating my lunch.
posted by sarah on 05/07/2008 at 02:29 PM
Nicely stated. BTW, the word I have to enter below to get this posted is “cuntsucker.” Maybe you could define yourself as that? 
Your “I am _____” made me remember this. My grandmother, who I don’t think of as being particularly open to non-default anything, met a young lady at her apartment complex and they had a lovely chat. The next day, the girl runs into my grandmother again and feels the need to say “I just needed to tell you… I’m a lesbian. Is that a problem for you?” My grandmother, bless her, doesn’t even blink, but just says “I’m incontinent. Is that a problem for YOU?”
on 05/07/2008 at 10:21 PM
Just wanted to tell you that I loved reading this entry. As a fellow sorta-gay, I definitely feel where you’re coming from. I do feel funny when I decline to mention it to people, as if I’m repressing myself. But there is stigma from all camps but other “confusees” and it’s so tiresome to have to define yourself all the time by others’ sexuality standards. I guess I don’t have to tell you that. 
lol at bethany’s grandma!
Thank you for responding to my interest. I feel weirdly honored.
You don’t sound at all confused or like a self-hating homosexual to me. You sound like someone who’s comfortable enough with her sexuality to realize that it’s not the most important characteristic you possess (nor, for the record, is being fat).
There is something to be said about gays and lesbians being about the only discriminated-against group that can be open or closeted. I think it makes it harder in some ways. I don’t trivialize anyone’s struggles, but at least, say, a Middle Eastern immigrant doesn’t have to worry about whether his friends and family will still talk to him once they find out he’s a Middle Eastern immigrant. I wonder about the peer pressure aspect too...does a lesbian feel her experience as a lesbian is less valid if she’s closeted? Does a closeted gay man feel like he’s doing a disservice to the gay community because he’s not out “taking the heat” and helping to change things for the future?
I wish more people recognized that sexuality is fluid. Most of my friends have had attraction to and experiences with both sexes. What people of a certain ilk refuse to recognize is that this IS the norm. Even in 1948, Kinsey recognized while formulating his famous scale of sexuality that most people don’t neatly fall into the category of homosexual or heterosexual. 1948!!! And some people still haven’t caught up with that idea. Of course, The Origin of Species was published in 1859, and about half of America hasn’t caught up with that yet, so I shouldn’t be too surprised.
Things are changing, I think, albeit slowly. One positive example is that we are taught never to ask a patient whether he or she is gay/straight/bisexual/etc. We ask for the information we actually need, which is “do you have sex with men, women, or both?” That said, um, yeah, I can’t imagine why your podiatrist needs to know. “Ooooh...that’s a gay callous you’ve got there, for sure.” Maybe you should start having some fun with it when inappropriate people ask about your sex life..."Oh, I only have sex with Patrick Stewart. No one else.” “I don’t know...the aliens don’t really have conventional genitals.” Of course, as Ann Landers (I think it was Ann Landers...maybe it was Emily Post) would say, the best response is just to ask, “Why do you want to know?” That usually leaves ‘em speechless.
on 05/11/2008 at 09:44 PM