Saturday, May 10, 2008

fingersmith

fingersmith by sarah waters. the first part of this book was pretty good. there were enough twists and turns to keep me guessing, but it didn’t seem contrived. even the second part of the book, which had potential for being contrived and forced, was pretty good. and then there came the third part. it was all just too cleanly wrapped up and the good guys one and the lovers ended up together and… i expected something better from waters on that one. ah well. tipping the velvet and the night watch were still awesomely awesome, so there is that.

| read
posted by sarah on 05/10/2008 at 01:42 AM

(1) comments

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

coming out

tracy wants to know: I’d like to know more about how you came out, especially to your family.

hoo boy. i talked about this a few times before, but since i’ve deleted all the archives and stuff.....

my parents and i do not talk about matters of the heart. or sex. or feelings. we just don’t.

i started dating krista in december 2002. for valentine’s day 2003 i sent my parents a letter with a cute kitty figurine. (in my defense, i’d bought the figurine before i decided to come out via letter.) i sent them a letter because i knew there was no way i could talk about it on the phone, and i only see them in person once a year or so. and i wanted to avoid any conflict. so i sent them a letter explaining who she was, how we met, blah blah. i mailed it off and waited.

we did weekly sunday phone calls at that time, and the sunday after they got the letter my mom brought it up. there was no crying or anything that i remember, just a lot of questions about WHY, what about that boy i dated once or the boy i loved in high school...was i dating a girl because boys didn’t like me, etc. it was really very awkward. my dad sent me a letter that was supposed to make me feel okay about the whole thing, but actually made me feel really bad.

after that, we didn’t talk about it at all, though i did have to ask my mom how much i needed to hide from her family (it went unspoken that we would hide it from my dad’s familiy because it was clearly obvious that we must). i don’t remember what we decided. the family knows now, but i don’t actually know how they know. it’s weird.

i also had to come out to all of my friends, because before krista i had dated/slept with men. i was stressed about that because some of my friends were not very obviously open to that kind of thing. i emailed some of them, wrote letters to others, and for the friends that i had in town, brought it up in person. i think only one or two people gave me shit about it. honestly, i was very surprised.

i came out to my boss and co-workers at the time because krista came to visit and left a MASSIVE HICKEY on my neck that there was no way at all to hide. that’s one of the worse ways to come out i think.

the thing about being not-hetero in this society is that you “come out” every time you meet someone new. the default sexuality is heterosexual. so every time i meet someone new and they ask if i’m married, i “come out” by saying that i’m not married, but i have a female partner (because the petulant part of me likes to point out how fucking ridiculous it is that i can’t be married). and you always have those few seconds of nervousness waiting for their reaction. will it be okay? will it change their opinion of you? will it put you in physical danger?

i’m in a slightly unique/ridiculous situation because a) i’ve had sex with boys, b) i am currently in a LTR with a girl, c) people really don’t get that because there is rarely a “bisexual” checkbox on forms, and d) i do not identify as bisexual or gay or even straight and people certainly don’t get THAT. the fact is, i don’t identify myself by my sexuality. i don’t think i ever have. it’s not something that defines me. if i were asked to fill in the blank in “i am _______” i would write “fat” not “gay” or “bi” or “white”. that says a lot about my own personal issues, i know, but it just does not occur to me to finish that sentence with my sexuality. i hate that people MUST KNOW WHAT YOU ARE in order to be able to round out their picture of you. i hate that doctors always want to know (i understand the GP and the OBG needing to know, but my podiatrist? really?). i hate that no one ever understands why i am on birth control if i am in a same sex relationship.

here’s the thing: i really, truly, honestly believe that sexuality is a fluid thing. i can change, and often does.

and really, when people ask if you are gay or straight, they usually want to know who you fuck, not who you love. and that bothers me too.

i dunno. the dsm-iv would probably classify me as “confused or distressed about my sexual orientation.” some people would call me homophopic and a self-hating gay. i just really don’t understand what the big deal is about who we chose to fuck and/or love. i don’t. i know that other people place a great deal of significance on it and that is why it “matters” but i really want to know WHY people place significance on it.

i am very annoyed about the whole thing now, so i’m going to finish eating my lunch.

| prompts
posted by sarah on 05/07/2008 at 02:29 PM

(5) comments

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

i want a do over

well, i can now add latex to the list of things i’m allergic to. great.

so, let’s see if i can even start a list (i probably should have one anyway).

latex
ragweed
dustmites
animal dander
strawberries
bananas
walntus
pollen from a lot of stuff
mold
aspirin
salicylates/salicylic acid
more to come…

| health
posted by sarah on 05/06/2008 at 09:30 AM

(1) comments

Saturday, May 03, 2008

score!

they just fell into my bag, i swear!
Originally uploaded by misanthropic sarah

last night, we stumbled across an art supply store that we never new about before. and it was open at 9.30 at night (just because it was first friday though). we squeed and went in. and they had every color imagineable of jacquard acid dyes. EVERY COLOR. i only got 10. they were at an insanely reasonable price, so i don’t feel too too bad about it.

i was wanting to dye some yarn again, so it was a fortuitous event. whee!

the store is called artist & craftsman supply and it’s at 307 market in philly. they also have locations in a few other cities, but it doesn’t seem like they’re a massive chain like some of the other art stores here in town. and the folks working were super nice. so, yay.

| crafty
posted by sarah on 05/03/2008 at 01:53 PM

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